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Beautiful or Not

by Old Tom & the Lookouts

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1.
Bent hard from the blunt force trauma of tired words Long bereft of commas and concussed As they land in fistfuls to our guts Knocked the wind right out Felt my eyes roll back to the center of my skull Where my brain called out for a year in full Exhausted from the wrestle and tear Of the discord and the hammering air It’s a lesson for the thrash impaired Swearing elbows and running scared Felt my eyes roll back to the center of my skull Where my brain called out for a year in full
2.
Headaches 03:40
Jesus Christ, I’ve been here too long Waiting for truth, not waiting on you I’ve got patience, but my hope has been so goddamn latent I forgot why I was up here waiting, catching splinters while you chat with Satan I’ve gotten used to the headaches Wasting time believing In blood and demons Jesus Christ, I’m not much for reading But I’m searching for proof, that I'm not such a bloody heathen Your teachers damned me for up and leaving, not taking in the smoke you’re breathing I’ve gotten used to the headaches Wasting time believing In blood and demons But I'm all caught up I'm all caught up I’ve gotten used to the headaches Wasting time believing In blood and demons I've got all the reasons We're not that holy after all
3.
I’m gonna hate you ‘till we’re just bones Till it’s all deathly quiet, ‘till it’s all overgrown Till we return to the dust beneath the calmness of stones I’m gonna hate you ‘till we’re just bones In the stillness of nothing, in the calmness of dirt All the restlessness resting, where I can’t feel the hurt I’ll forget how I came here, forget what I’ve known But I’m gonna hate you ‘till we’re just bones I’ll let myself out How could I have faith in something that I don’t know shit about Stuck fast to me like catholic guilt Feigning honest, upright posture so no one notices the stilts An epitaph of thoughts I mumble when I feel the most alone I’m gonna hate you ‘till we’re just bones I’m gonna hate you ‘till we’re just bones Till I’m sober and rotting beneath the calmness of stones Till I can’t be a bother to the kindness I’ve known I’m gonna hate you ‘till we’re just bones I’ll let myself out How could I have faith in something that I don’t know shit about Stuck fast to me like catholic guilt Feigning honest, upright posture so no one notices the stilts An epitaph of thoughts I mumble when I feel the most alone I’m gonna hate you ‘till we’re just bones I am not the man I thought I'd be I’ll let myself out How could I have faith in something that I don’t know shit about Stuck fast to me like catholic guilt Feigning honest, upright posture so no one notices the stilts An epitaph of thoughts I mumble when I feel the most alone I’m gonna hate you ‘till we’re just bones I’m gonna hate you ‘till we’re just bones Till it’s all deathly quiet, ‘till it’s all overgrown
4.
I guess that I could sleep like this Under the overpass Down past the old train tracks I guess I could sleep like this Dirty cigarette wrappers and drained shooters Dished off narrow shoulders, what’s left of old-time rumors Down in the bog, down past the clovers I guess that I could sleep like this Just off the highway, down the slope Resting beneath and void of hope I guess I could sleep like this Must’ve been lucky, found in that field of clovers Sunk down in the old bog far past the shoulders All heads-up coins and good fortune aside I guess that I could sleep like this Belly to the earth Where birth and destruction collide Turned out pockets Still hands and rolled back eyes Drowned in the wishing well To leave it all behind Dirty cigarette wrappers and drained shooters Dished off narrow shoulders, what’s left of old-time rumors Drowned in the bog down past the clovers I wish that I could sleep like this
5.
Garden Work 03:55
The clouds fall low like a dress Draped over the shins of a tree I knew Covering up knees like knots When I was a kid I carved my name in the bark Rang bicycle bells, and skinned knees Late in the park Dug deep with our legs in the ground like old trees No sleep left our names in the bark just skin deep Let the fog cover up these old scars From carving constellations in these arms of ours We're just old roots grown out of old shoes Growing old, growing deep It's just garden work Oh our hands how they would creep Finding peace beneath the bark and control in its release How our bones grew bent and old like trees How our hair fell out like fallen leaves Dug deep with our legs in the ground like old trees No sleep left our names in the bark just skin deep Let the fog cover up these old scars From carving constellations in these arms of ours We're just old roots grown out of old shoes Growing old, but growing deep
6.
Accident 02:41
Ready or not, well it’s time to choose Just a stumbling fool with nothing to loose Well I’m drunk as hell, and my hands are cold And I slipped and fell, and I broke the mold It was by accident that I learned to care Well I was an accident, nothing too fair It was by accident that I learned to care Well I’m just an accident, nothing too fair My time is up Just a pile of snow, with the door closed shut Well I could stumble home, or I could just stay here But my legs are tired and they’re full of beer It was by accident that I learned to care Well I was an accident, nothing too fair It was by accident that I learned to care Well I’m just an accident, nothing too fair Well I called my Mamma on the telephone Told her I won't make it home She said "Goddamn boy, how far you've fallen Don't going 80 feel like 20 when you're destined for the wall?" Well I'm two left feet, not worth spare change Well I don't feel worth it at any age It was by accident that I learned to care Well I’m just an accident, nothing too fair
7.
Old Jeans 02:25
I still have your picture So close I can almost hear you calling me For shouting too loud And I’ll see you in the kitchen Where the windows face the street And I don’t recall a fire escape In the New York City heat And you can smell the good intentions Of August here in Queens And I’m taking up the mantle now Of bursting at the seams Maybe i’m just dreaming Maybe it’s the heat But I’ll tend to it with idle hands And maybe I’ll repeat Is this just in my head Cause I’m stuck on what I’d be If I never left that kitchen Would you still be here with me I still have your picture So close I can almost hear you calling me For crying out too loud
8.
Tiny Circles 03:21
Lithium leaves tiny circles ‘round the iris Thanks for staring For every tiny circle spoke There’s two more circles left for pairing In a matchbook wrote for losers I fear the ones that I’ve been wearing Cause I’ve been working on my eye contact To live my life less daring Shaving off years I haven’t a thing to drink since last November Since I vacationed to the fourth floor Of your hospital, remember I wasn’t looking for an exit as much as looking for a high place Safe for jumping to conclusions Just to fix the days behind me Quaint and quiet as the west front Pulling sharply at my impulse To keep dreaming of an ending less tumultuous as I convulse from all the anger bottled up from days behind me Peering through the tiny circles Back to the matchbook that set fire Lithium leaves tiny circles ‘round the iris Thanks for staring For every tiny circle spoke There’s two more circles left for pairing In a matchbook wrote for losers I fear the ones that I’ve been wearing Cause I’ve been working on my eye contact To live my life less daring
9.
If I tried hard enough I could be brave Cross the street with my head up Think of the time that I could save Wearing holes into my pockets like a kid I'm nervous like an engine about to blow its lid Damn I wonder how I could be so fearless I wonder how I could be enough Grafton rabbits don’t give a shit just where you came from They’ve been woven to the earth so long before you’d come And they’re not afraid to hold your gaze while you stumble on their turf And they’ve got a way of looking without questioning your worth Damn I wonder how I could be so fearless I wonder how I could be enough Goddamn I wonder
10.
Any day feels like Sunday When there's nothing tying the days together for me Pills in the morning so there's some serotonin tying me to me But I know everything will be alright Cause I've got corrected chemistry Even when there's nothing helpful on my mind Taking handfuls of hope from me I hope everything will be alright Cause when it's not it feels like drifting farther At least I'm not thinking about suicide I know time is awfully precious and I don't feel like it's my time Not today, but maybe someday All the ideation and guilt catches up to me And if I don't feel like leaving quiet I'll leave an honest apology But I know everything will be alright Cause I've got corrected chemistry Even when there's nothing helpful on my mind Taking handfuls of hope from me I hope everything will be alright Cause when it's not it feels like drifting farther At least I'm not thinking about suicide I know time is awfully precious and I don't feel like it's my time Not today but maybe someday I hope everything will be alright Cause when it's not it feels like drifting farther At least I'm not thinking about suicide I know time is awfully precious and I don't feel like it's my time I hope everything will be alright Cause when it's not it feels like drifting farther At least I'm not thinking about suicide I know time is awfully precious and I don't feel like it's my time I don't feel like it's my time
11.
Felt the trickle come to waterfall In a monologue grown 10 feet tall Lay the pressure drive through the shell Left me anxious in a seasoned hell Felt my eyes roll back to the center of my skull Where my brain called out for a year in full To thoughts that swell and trickle out In the form of adjectives and nouns Fill a lifejacket that’s sure to drown ‘Neath the crushing weight and the constant sound Felt my eyes roll back to the center of my skull Where my brain called out for a year in full
12.
When winter turns to spring Beautiful or not And buds to branches cling And I’m stuck again indoors The branches bend to wind Beautiful or not If I could only get the sun to burn my skin It’s been so long since I had let it in 'Cause this spring feels an awful lot like winter 'Cause I haven’t felt the sun in days It’s the perfect shade of grey for feeling splinters As tall as trees wrapping at my window panes The frozen ground is thawing out Beautiful or not While the trash birds paw about I stay tangled up in bed Start to smell the earth change its face Beautiful or not The screen door slams into its frame My eyelids shudder then do the same 'Cause this spring feels an awful lot like winter 'Cause I haven’t felt the sun in days It’s the perfect shade of grey for feeling splinters As tall as trees wrapping at my window panes Beautiful or not 'Cause this spring feels an awful lot like winter 'Cause I haven’t felt the sun in days It’s the perfect shade of grey for feeling splinters As tall as trees wrapping at my window panes

credits

released December 5, 2020

Music/Lyrics/Production: Alex Calabrese
Production/Mixing: Jacob McCurdy
Production/Mixing/Mastering: Sean Bonney-Burrill
Music/String Arrangements: Cecelia Vacanti, Jody Miller, Claudia Lee Horna
Production: Zach Khanlian

Vocals/Guitar/Percussion: Alex Calabrese
Vocals/Bass/Percussion/Slide Guitar: Jacob McCurdy
Celeste/Horns/Keys: Sean Bonney-Burrill
Violin/Viola: Cecelia Vacanti
Violin: Jody Miller
Violin: Claudia Lee Horna
Cello: Casey Murray
Bass: Zach Khanlian

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Old Tom & The Lookouts Boston, Massachusetts

Old Tom & the Lookouts is a Boston-based Indie-Folk band, creating hopeful, evocative music about mental health. The lyrically driven project, shared through the lens of writer and singer, Alex, delivers a minimalist tone, accompanied by lush string arrangements, witty and brooding lyrics, soulful melodies, and striking harmonies. ... more

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